Bah!

Typical!  Just as I start to get back into my stride at the gym, disaster strikes! 

There I was, into the last 30 second sprint of my interval training on the treadmill, when "POP!".  Honestly, I heard it - something went POP in my left leg.  After struggling to stop the treadmill and having to hop about like a loon until it slowed down I realised I could barely put any weight on my left leg unless I walked on my heel only.  A trip to the walk in centre confirmed that I luckily hadn't ruptured my achilles - that would have been indescribably bad.  I have "merely" torn my calf muscle.

It's very depressing.  No running for weeks and it's my very favourite way to exercise.  Nothing compares to it for lifting those blues and making me feel alive.  But hey ho, I will speak to my trainer on Friday morning and see what fun we can have until my leg is better!

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Well my good intentions for the weekend included going to the gym at least once for a run, cleaning the bathroom, washing the kitchen floor, getting the weekly shop done and doing the laundry.  I have managed the shopping and the laundry (just) but thanks to the kettlebells class I did on Friday morning I am practically crippled.  Literally can't bend down.  Even sitting is uncomfortable.

What's worse is I am not allowed to take ibuprofen.  It belongs to a class of drugs called NSAIDS which are know to increase lithium levels in the blood and so are therefore extremely bad for me.  Which is extra bad because goddamn it my back hurts!!  I knew the class would be tough and I knew I would ache afterwards but blimey, I did not expect this level of ouch! 

So all of this has meant a lazy weekend and an extra lazy Sunday afternoon spent catching up on season 6 of Criminal Minds (<3 Penelope Garcia) and progressing with Sophie, the rabbit I am knitting for Little H's birthday next month.  So far she is going well:

Quite good for only a couple of hours' work.  Head and body done and first leg halfway complete so far.  I'm knitting her in Sirdar Snuggly Kisses which is a nylon/acrylic mix and is much nicer than the plain Sirdar Snuggly I made Elijah in.  She's fluffy soft just like a bunny should be.

And now, back to my psychopaths and lunatics in Criminal Minds...not sure it's the most fitting accompaniment to knitting a fluffy bunny, but hey, this is me after all!

Rambling Ups and Downs

Life as a bipolar person with rapid cycling and mixed episodes can be crazy at times.  I don't know from one minute to the next what my mood is going to be; from giddy and jumping around, full of energy, to contemplating the end of all things and not having the will to go on with every painful second leaving me gasping for breath.  I know, I know, that sounds so dramatic but seriously, that is exactly what it feels like.  When my moods change they are that extreme and I am swept up in the moment, unable to find stable emotional ground on which to rest, flung by the waves of mania or drowning in a sea of melancholy with no chance to rest in "normality".  This is my every day and has been for the last 24 years.

On Wednesday I awoke to find a weight on my chest and my mood heavy, despite this being one of my "high" times of year.  Not a surprise as I am generally lower most mornings when I wake.  I knew I would perk up later in the day as I was meeting a very very dear friend for coffee at lunchtime and the effort I have to put in to being "normal" usually drags me out of whatever funk I am in for a short time. 

It's very tiring though, being something you are not.  I do it all day every day at work, sometimes I do it at home with the Other Half if I think it is necessary to shield him from how bad I truly am feeling, and I do it all the time when I am with other people.  Everyone, not just those I care about.  I spend every day pretending to be something I am not.  Pretending to be happy when I am crying inside, pretending to be calm when I feel like jumping buildings and running around like a child, pretending like nothing matters when I am bubbling with manic anger inside.

I get very tired of it all sometimes but then I wonder what my life would have been like had I not had the ability to pretend to the world that I am stable, to pretend to myself that I am in control and able to function like everyone else.  I probably would have been hospitalised by now, maybe more than once, but if I had, then the bipolar may have been picked up on sooner and I might have gotten the help I needed sooner.  So many things could have been different had I known there was something wrong that could be fixed and not had to struggle for so many years.  But then I probably wouldn't have the life I have now and I'm kind of enjoying myself at the moment!

I could drive myself truly insane thinking about all the variables, the ifs and buts, the whys and wherefores!

One Elephant

And he's all done...what a productive day :)

The only thing is I hate giving away things that I have made.  I'm a very selfish crafter.  I want to keep all my projects for myself and continue to enjoy them after all the hard work I've put in!  I'm sure he'll be appreciated in his new home though.

Mixed Bag

I don't really like Bank Holidays.  Don't get me wrong, I like time off work as much as the next person, but the Other Half doesn't get Bank Holidays off work so I often find I have a free day to myself and limited transport due to the buses only running a Sunday service. 

And so I find myself sitting here this morning wondering how I am going to spend my day.  I spent the weekend doing my usual weekend stuff - doing the food shopping for the week, catching up on laundry, getting more of my knitting done - so what does that leave me with for today?  I was thinking about hitting the gym but due to the Sunday bus service running today I'm not going to be able to get there until later.  Plus the weather is supposed to be turning nasty later and I really don't fancy getting soaked on the way to the gym!  Although looking at the weather at the moment you wouldn't think we were in for heavy rain today.

This is the view from my bedroom window...isn't it glorious out there!  Makes me want to go for a long walk but it is actually really cold so I am going to stay here in the toasty warm with my fluffy socks and my central heating!

I could spend the day finishing Elijah:

 As you can see he now has arms and I have just started on the first ear.  Looks painful doesn't it?  If you have ever knit with double-pointed needles you will understand just how incredibly fiddly they can be and when you add to that the fact that you are picking up stitches on an irregularly-shaped and already-stuffed piece, well you can guess how tangled my fingers get!!

Another option for the day is to catch up on some reading.  I have quite a few books part-read and unstarted that are sat on the window sill waiting for my attention:

Unfortunately for me I have trouble reading when my moods are high, as they are at the moment.  I have trouble concentrating on anything for more than 10 minutes and sitting still to read is only really possible when I am confined to the bus on the way to work!  Saying that, I have trouble reading when my moods are very low as well so who knows when I will get through that lot!!

Ah well, with so many options I'm sure I will manage to fill my day somehow! Happy Bank Holiday everyone!

Legs!

Elijah finally has legs:

As cute as he looks, I'm still not happy with the wool choice :(  I used Debbie Bliss Cashmerino DK last time I made him and it looked and felt so much nicer.  But I will persevere - can't come all this way and not finish him!

Once Elijah is done, I think I will make Sophie Rabbit for Little H, my niece.  The ears are incredibly fiddly to do but I think she's my favourite of the three patterns.

Pain and Pleasure

I managed to finally get my big wobbly butt back to the gym last Monday for the first time in oh, about 2 years!  I intended to go most nights after work and just have a run and then maybe have a session or two doing something a bit different, like cycling or cross-training, just to break the routine.  However, I was offered a free personal training session with the lovely Sarah who showed me the joys of kettlebells on Thursday night and I have to say I really enjoyed the routine and having Sarah there to encourage me.  So I have signed up for a training session with her once or twice a fortnight, depending on how things go and I have to say, I am loving the exercise so far.  It feels so freeing to push yourself to achieve that extra 100 metres, that extra weight, those extra five seconds in a wall sit and to actually do it!

I am feeling the pain today though.  Two nights in a row of burning the fat has made my muscles cry a little so today is a day of rest - a slightly forced day of rest as my energy levels are quite high at the moment, but I will have to direct that into geting my laundry done instead!

The reason for all this energy and new-found motivation is my mood has swung upwards for its expected springtime high.  I'm nowhere near as manic as I could be but I am finding myself accomplishing more, and taking more on, such as the gym and becoming part of the social team at my Slimming World group.  This behaviour in the past has always been worrying as I have trouble maintaining the levels of effort and enthusiasm once the high passes, especially when my mood drops to depression again which is undoubtedly will in the summer (if the lithium doesn't work!).  But I can't deny myself in these short periods where I actually feel like I am the person I was meant to be and I am enthusaistic and enjoying life and doing things and seeing people and I'm not afraid to try new things out.  I am hoping this year that the wonder drug will work and this happy time will not pass but will become the "norm" and I won't be forced by my own moods to give up on things I am loving at the moment.